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I kept thinking I was making myself gay. And Ididn't want that. I didn't want to be gay. I just wanted him. Mike'sDad. To hug me, to hold me, talk to me. That's not gay, is it? It's notlike I wanted to be a fag. I still want to get married. I still want k**ssome day. I went back to the mall. I thought maybe that guy might be there.It had been a couple of weeks since I'd seen Mike's Dad. I missed him.Mike has a family picture on his desk. His Dad is wearing a beautifulstriped shirt, and he's got sunglasses on. I wish I had a picture of himfor me. I could carry it in my wallet. I don't know how I'd ever get one.I think sometimes I should try and steal one next time I'm at their house.I have to watch what I say. If his Dad found out I felt this way, he mightdemand that Mike move out of the dorm, to get away from me. I might notever see him again, if his Dad finds out. His Dad's name is Jef. I keep wanting to call him that, act likehe's one of the guys and all, and I. .. it must have been soul destroying." How did you feel about it?" It felt like I was cheating on him, betraying him in some way. I began to picture his face on the endless nobodies that I was fucking my way through each day but it was a fool's errand, whenever I looked up I could see him, see the hurt in his eyes as I built to orgasm and the speed at which he left me there when I began to come." Didn't you tell each other how you felt?" How could we? We knew it couldn't make any difference. Our evening conversations became more and more awkward as we tried to find something we could talk about without falling into uncomfortable silences every five minutes. Six months later, our evening conversation sessions were cancelled. When it was finally proved conclusively that my condition was permanent, he stopped coming to my test sessions altogether." Did you ever see him again?" Of course I did. I was still a Venus employee. But it became very rare for us to see each other and it was.
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